Winning the Battle Against Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
How a Deeper Understanding of the Gospel Helped Me Combat OCD
by Brynn Lee
My mind was my safe place—a refuge where I could go when I wanted to pull away from the noise of life and retreat to the quietness that contemplation and reflection promised. In this place, I chose what to think about and what to let keep floating by. In August 2021, without warning, without so much as a knock on my door, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) besieged my life. My mind, which had barricaded me from all the outside noise, seemed to turn on me overnight, and now its barricades held me hostage. Like many others, I assumed OCD was a personality quirk that drives people to check locks and doors—until I experienced the excruciating suffering it causes.
The American Psychiatric Association defines OCD as “a disorder in which people have recurring, unwanted thoughts, ideas, or sensations (obsessions). To get rid of the thoughts, they feel driven to do something repetitively (compulsions).”* OCD creates incredible amounts of distress and shame for the sufferer due to the nature of the obsessions. In the same way that someone experiencing a form of OCD called contamination OCD can’t seem to stop washing their hands to rid themselves of any potential germs, I couldn’t seem to stop scrubbing my conscience to rid myself of any “unclean” or “bad” thoughts that came against my will.
I didn’t want the suffering. I didn’t ask for it and certainly didn’t have time for it. I found myself weeping on the bed of my college dorm room for weeks at a time, crying out to Jesus, asking him why he left me and what he was doing. Friends listened, but no one could truly understand. I felt like I had been taken out of the world and was now watching everyone live their lives while I stood in isolation on the other side of the glass. Except I was not alone. Though I didn’t know it and couldn’t feel it, Jesus stood with me. His hand was on my shoulder and his tears fell upon me, for he knew the anguish of my soul. And he knew what he was doing in the suffering.
I began treatment for OCD, which included medication, exposure, and response prevention therapy (a type of cognitive behavioral therapy), healing prayer sessions, and self-help resources in an attempt to keep myself from drowning. While I am grateful for the helpful tools that God has given me in this season of suffering, the greatest healing I’ve experienced in my life came from gaining a true understanding of and trust in the gospel of grace.
As the intrusion of OCD wore down my defenses, God took this brokenness and began to shine the light of grace through the cracks of my shattered heart and life. In the darkness, I began to see the light. I came to understand that suffering is a mercy. A severe mercy. As I couldn’t seem to cleanse myself from the feeling of dirtiness and guilt that my obsessions caused, I realized that the gospel doesn’t require my perfection because it already required the perfection of one person: Jesus. The news that set my heart ablaze with gratitude and love was this: The perfection of Jesus was credited to my account, and God sees me as he sees his beloved son—blameless, holy, and without fault (see Colossians 1:22). Even amid such weakness, suffering, and guilt, I had been made perfect through the blood of Christ (see Hebrews 10:14). He was my cleansing, my healing, and my answer.
The gospel only requires the perfection of one person—Jesus.
Finding healing from OCD hasn’t been an overnight fix. It has been a journey, one that continues to this day. However, I fight differently now. I don’t hold up my medication and therapy as my defenses. I hold up the perfection I have received in Christ that silences the flaming darts of OCD and shuts the mouth of the Accuser.
If you’re reading this today and find yourself suffering from depression, anxiety, OCD, or any form of suffering that has wreaked havoc in your life, here’s what I would tell you. I would cup your face and look into your eyes. I would tell you to let the tears fall and that I, too, know what it feels like to live on the other side of the glass. I would speak against the lies that say you’re alone and that Jesus has abandoned you. I would assure you that right now, in this moment, there are hands that hold you and tears that fall upon you, in sync with your own. I believe you will make it to the other side, even as no shore is in sight. Lastly, I would whisper in your ear that the perfection of Jesus stands for you so you don’t have to.
*“Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders,” American Psychiatric Association, accessed January 20, 2024, https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/obsessive-compulsive-disorder.
Brynn Lee is an evangelist, lover of people, and employee of Vertical Church St. Paul. @_brynnlee_