Please Like Me!
How the Gospel Transforms Us from Fake Friends to Authentic Community
by Charlsie Al Harthy
“Absolutely! We can definitely meet you there!” I replied, exclamation points and all.
Yet my first thought after hitting “send” was, What did I just get myself into?
A new friend had invited me on an outing I was genuinely excited about, yet the drive was longer than desired at three months postpartum. A blissful 45-minute ride of listening to an uplifting podcast as my baby peacefully snoozed in her car seat could quickly become a chaotic roulette of overextending my arm to the backseat to repeatedly put the pacifier in her mouth. I wasn’t sure I was ready for this potential ordeal even on a good day, let alone the day after tweaking my back and one week before flying internationally with my newborn.
Discouraged, I realized I’d done it again: I’d acquiesced to someone else’s wishes in a desperate attempt to gain their acceptance. Shouldn’t I have grown out of this by now? Yet, when friends expressed core beliefs that were different than mine, I prayed they wouldn’t ask my own stance. When my boss presented additional opportunities at work without additional pay, I felt pressured to take them. And when a church staff member asked me to take on another volunteer responsibility, it was nearly impossible for me to say “no”.
The irony of these situations is that in making decisions about what I thought someone needed, wanted, or expected of me, I assumed saying “yes” would bring me closer to the other person and bring security to the relationship. Wouldn’t avoiding conflict at all costs make rejection impossible? Maybe you’ve found yourself in a similar quandary. We don’t set out to be disingenuous, but after silencing ourselves one too many times or habitually agreeing just to “keep the peace,” we realize we haven’t been authentic; we’ve inadvertently shape-shifted into an alternate version of ourselves, morphing into what we never planned: a fake friend.
Unfortunately, this shape-shifting usually backfires as inauthenticity produces the undesired fruit of distance in friendships, rather than intimacy. Building deep relationships becomes nearly impossible when we live in fear that we’re one disagreement away from being canceled. Concealing our true feelings doesn’t allow us to be fully known.
People-pleasing shape-shifts us into an alternate version of ourselves, morphing into what we never planned: a fake friend.
As a new mom in a new town with no friends, I’d sadly forgotten a couple of key scriptural truths. That forgetfulness led me to make plans that day, even though I didn’t have the capacity post-partum. Years prior, as a freshman in college, sitting on a black futon in my dorm room, I’d discovered Galatians 1:10, which says, “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ” (ESV). I could still hear fellow students chatting on the sidewalk outside the giant windows of the century-old dormitory. But in my little room, on my little futon, time stopped. Did this verse mean I couldn’t be Christ’s servant unless I forsook man’s approval? My whole life, I’d believed keeping others happy was my job. I’d done what I could to please my parents, friends, teachers, youth group leaders—even God. Yet, this verse said it plainly: I had to stop living for people’s approval.
The only way we become free of craving man’s approval is to settle in our hearts that through Christ, we already have God’s approval. When we prioritize obedience to him in light of his eternal acceptance of us as his daughters, our compulsion to avoid rejection from others begins to fade.
Freedom comes from knowing that in Christ, we already have God’s approval.
When the Spirit doesn’t lead us to take on another responsibility, we can learn to say, “I can’t do that at this time”. When the truth takes root in our hearts that we are chosen and beloved by our Father—a Father who will never leave nor forsake us (see Deuteronomy 31:6)—we become more confident in other relationships. We begin to “walk in the light as he is in the light” and therefore “have fellowship with one another” (1 John 1:7a). Our pursuit of authentic community isn’t trivial; it’s kingdom work. Let’s push back the darkness from a place of belovedness, one honest opinion at a time.
For further reflection
- How does realizing God will never reject you free you from the fear of rejection in community?
- How can you live more authentically in community today? By expressing your honest food preference or favorite music? How can you respectfully voice disagreement on a theological issue with someone you trust?
- What’s currently on your plate that God has asked of you? What roles have you taken on because of others’ expectations?
Charlsie Al Harthy is a devoted wife, joyful mama, and coffee enthusiast who encourages women to pursue freedom in Christ. @miraculousfreedom