The Breakup No One Talks About
How to move forward when friendships fail
Not that long ago, I decided to spend the day with the Lord. This particular day was a huge milestone for me, and spending the day, just the two of us, seemed like a fitting way to celebrate.
I packed up my camera and headed to a local rooftop to take some photos. When I arrived at the rooftop, my heart completely sank into my stomach. In the distance I saw an old friend who wasn’t a friend anymore. My heart began to race and a sense of overwhelming sadness suddenly came over me. I even got back in the car and cried until I couldn’t. No one ever warned me about how heartbreaking the ending of a friendship can be.
Let’s admit it—friendship breakups are painful.
And if that’s not your story, you’re lucky.
When I saw my old friend on that rooftop, it was clear a conversation wasn’t desired, so we didn’t speak. And if I’m being honest, I don’t even know what we would’ve said. It hadn’t just ended with losing a friend, but with losing many friends, leaving my church, and coming to grips with the heartbreaking reality that not everyone will be around forever.
I can’t say that I didn’t see this coming, though. There were many—and I mean many—red flags in our friendship, but we overlooked all of them. And even if you do see them coming, red flags still hurt, making it really difficult to fully let go.
The way I tried to hold on to this friendship for dear life was definitely a warning sign. I truly couldn’t imagine doing life without this friend. My heart couldn’t deal with the thought of having to let it go.
And then came the ugly truth—I had made a false god out of this friend. It shook me to my core when God revealed I had made this friend an idol.
Impossible, I thought. There’s no way I was worshiping this person. It became more and more clear that I was, though.
Kelly Needham’s book Friend-ish was pivotal for me in dealing with this realization. She listed six things Jesus is supposed to be in our lives: Savior, Mediator, Shepherd, Satisfaction, Judge, and Our Boast.
We find ourselves in idolatrous situations when friends become these things for us. Kelly writes, “Idolatrous friendships are not only normative in our culture, they’re celebrated as best friendships. To the world, a best friend is supposed to fill these roles in your life. If two friends can’t function without each other, it’s not a cause for concern but for celebration that you found your BFF.”*
She hits the nail right on the head. I thought it was normal to have a best friend I relied on for everything. But it’s not what God wants for us.
I didn’t even care that my “idol” was completely mistreating me, as long as the person was still there. God wasn’t being honored at all. He had been replaced in my heart. The friendship had to come crashing down for me to fully recognize its danger. It had to be completely ripped away for me to wake up.
So how did I move forward?
After an earth-shattering revelation of idolatry, losing my best friend, leaving my community, and having my entire view of lifelong friendships torn apart, how did I recover? Did I recover?
I repented
I had to repent for making this friend the king of my heart instead of Jesus. I had to turn away from toxic cycles and choose to walk in freedom. This sounds very cute, but it wasn’t. I didn’t have this “breakthrough” moment and then everything became okay. It looked more like sobbing in my closet, throwing things at the wall, screaming out to God, and having to be honest about the ugly parts of myself that brought me to this point in the first place.
I had to break up with what was and be honest about what is.
The friendship had turned emotionally abusive. That isn’t how friendship should be. I finally had to be honest about that. And continuing to do friendship like that just because I didn’t want to lose a friend was not only selfish, but sinful.
I went to therapy
I started seeing a therapist because this friendship in particular brought out some very ugly parts of me that needed healing. I was raised in a home that didn’t talk about mental health issues. It was considered taboo and weak. But I was determined to break that stigma. Turns out, I had undiagnosed mental health issues, unresolved traumas, and lies about identity that I had believed for years. There are some things deep inside of us that we don’t even know are there, but God does. He worked through my therapist to get to the root of those issues and heal them.
I let myself feel and gave myself time
I let myself feel when it first happened, and I still let myself feel now. The rift happened years ago, but it still hurts. I still create room to feel that, knowing God is healing me.
Sometimes you don’t get closure
This was the most painful season of my life. Emotional abuse happened perpetually, and I never got to express how bad everything hurt me to the people who caused that hurt. I was rejected, name-called, and abandoned. I never got to have a conversation, I never got apologies, and I never got closure. But I learned that God doesn’t promise us closure in an earthly sense. Instead, he promises a peace that we can’t even begin to comprehend (see Philippians 4:7). Practicing forgiveness and turning to God brings the healing we need through time.
So where was God?
Honestly, I was angry with God for a bit. Why would he even bring my old friend into my life if he knew it would end this way? Why didn’t he rescue me from this pain?
I blamed God for things I chose through free will.
The answer is simple: He was right there the entire time, waiting for me to listen and obey.
God doesn’t make choices for us, but get this—he’s still willing to pick us up when we fall face-first after making a bad decision.
He was right there picking up the pieces that he hadn’t broken. He was right there catching every single one of my tears. He didn’t miss a beat.
As I continue to navigate new friendships, new perspectives, and a renewed relationship with the Lord, I know that I’m safe in his love.
And that makes it all worth it.
Be encouraged, friends!
Jordyn Imari is a Jesus-loving creative who seeks to encourage. She’s the founder of Unveiled Ministries. @jordynimari
*Kelly Needham, Friend-ish: Reclaiming Real Friendship in a Culture of Confusion (Nashville: Nelson Books, 2019), 32.